Our marriage got a type of 'service' recently when we attend a marriage day at Dave's college. It was run by Keith and Sarah Condie who, if you know them, are marriage gurus. Not that their marriage is perfect, and they openly admit that they continue to struggle in certain areas in their marriage. But they have alot of wisdom to glean and below I will endeavour to summarise what they covered on the day:
1. Five foundations for a solid marriage
a) Commitment
b) Character
"....you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:9-10.
As Christians we need to put on qualities such as humility, patience and self-control. As both husband and wife grow in their Christian life and in their character, their marriage is strengthened.
c) Connection
Emotional and physical connection is very important. The number one indicator of marriage breakdown is emotional disconnectedness.
d) Community
There are two problems - each person has heightened expectations of how the other person will meet their needs. Also, there is a breakdown in society of wider social support which puts more pressure on the marriage relationship where couples are left to be the sole support of one another. It is important to realise that marriage cannot meet all of your needs. You still need strong relationships with other couples and with personal friends (guy to guy, girl to girl).
e) Kingdom and lasting legacy
"The LORD God took the man and put ihim in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it". Genesis 2:15
Why did Adam need a helper in Genesis 2:18? To fulfil God's task in the world.
If your primary goal is to have a good marriage then it won't work. Selfish marriages (thinking it's all about 'us') don't work. A strong marriage allows you to further God's work in the world. Marriage is meant to have an outward focus.
2. What makes marriages work?
NOT avoiding or even resolving conflict, but
1. Deep friendship - Liking and enjoying each other. Respecting the other person and knowing their likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams. Accepting the other person for who they are.
2. Conflict handled in a gentle and careful ways. Arguments are ok as long as they are navigated well.
3. Warning signs that a relationship is in trouble
a) Harsh start-up to a conversation
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".
Starting a conversation with an accusation or sarcastic statement (even if said quietly) almost always ends a conversation badly. For example "You always......." or "You never........" or "So you decided to come home, did you?"
This tends to be more a problem in the female population.
b) The four marriage killers
- Criticism - making a negative statement about the other person
- Contempt - sarcasm, sneering, mockery are all poisonous to a marriage and make it very difficult to resolve a conflict.
- Defensiveness - "It's not my fault"
- Stonewalling - Ignoring the other person, lack of eye contact. Need to stop and listen, not ignore. This is more of a guy problem.
c) Emotional disconnection
"Behind all the fighting, yelling, crying, and withdrawing, counsellors nearly always find two struggling human beings with broken hearts longing to be understood, accepted and loved just for who they are." Arch Hart and Sharon Hart Morris
Barriers to emotional connection:
- busyness - key tension points in marriage is the birth of first baby
- past hurts
- disappointed....again
- unresolved hurts
- not being there when needed the most
4. Nurturing and strenghening your relationship
Three building blocks to haveing an emotionally connnected marriage
1. Trust
There are two level of trust. The first is basic reliability and trustworthiness. Trust is earned and truth is very important. Trust develops over time. The second is heart trust which is a deep trust in the other person. Women have a harder time than men trusting once trust has been destroyed.
2. Emotional availability
If the other person is emotionally available then there is an increase in satisfaction in the marriage.
3. Sensitive responsiveness
It is important to receive your spouse's thoughts and then show that you are listening and that you understand.
The marriage killers undermine all these three building blocks.
HOW TO MAKE THESE THINGS HAPPEN
a) Be friends
Principal 1: share your lives. Know each others worlds and know what each other is thinking and feeling.
Principal 2: nurture fondness and admiration. Remind each other of your positive qualities. Think about what makes you cherish the other person. This will focus you on why you love each other.
Principal 3: turn towards each other. Stop what you are doing and listen. Pray for each other about specific things during the day and then ask the person how it went.
Principle 4: kindness: understand the things that make a difference for your spouse. Husbands are not mind readers!
Principle 5: express and accept appreciation. Say thank you.
b) Soften your start-up
Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones".
- complain, but don't blame. It is not healthy to bottle up complaints
- make statements that start with "I" instead of "you". Eg. "I feel like I haven't seen you much lately and I miss spending time with you" rather than "You are never around anymore"
- describe what is happening, don't evaluate or judge
- be clear and direct
- be polite
- don't store things up
c) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Repair attempts are things like:
- being able to pull out of conversation if it ets too heated - "wait, I need to calm down"
- being able to say that you were in the wrong
- using humour to make things less serious (need to be careful with this)
- being able to soothe the other if someone feels hurt
- forgiveness and repentance are important
d) Find the values and dreams that lie behind the conflict
Some conflict is perpetual. The key is to find ways to live with it and cope. The issue isn't usually the issue - it's what is going on beneath the issue. The unfulfilled dream is almost always at the bottom of every conflict.
For example, the husband goes away once a year on a business trip and for the weeks leading up with it his wife is cold towards him and doesn't give him a warm farewell. Beneath her behaviour is her fear of him not being there - she has to be in charge of the children and the buck stops with her. She feels insecure when he is not there. After realising her underlying feelings, the husband shows understanding and makes sure he calls her frequently while away. The wife makes an effort to make it easy for him to go away and gives him a warm farewell.
e) Accept your partner's personality and faults
It is all too easy to say "if only he were..........". It is very hard for a partner to change when they do not feel secure. Some things need to change but overall we need to accept each other's faults. It is awful for a person to have the "I'm not measuring up" feeling.
Grow together - grow in godliness together.
1 comment:
Thanks Tanya! This is very helpful.
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