There were 3 brand new shiny dum dums (dummies) placed in the shopping trolley last Monday and over the week each one has been 'broken' due to the vigorous sucking of one little girl. A dummy used to last at least a week but recently they only last 48 hours before they totally cave in and the sound of a little mouth chewing on it makes you fear it will end up down her throat. This and the fact that I can no longer cope with gettting up in the middle of the night to put the dummy back in (even though I don't get up every night anymore, a few nights per week is enough), we have decided that dum dum has to go.
So all week we have been talking to Elizabeth about the fact that the dummies are breaking and that they are nearly all gone. One by one she has happily thrown them in the bin herself. Tonight she threw the last one away. We told her it was the last dummy and that when it went in the bin there were no more dummies. "Are you going to have a dummy tonight?" we asked her. "Yes" was the answer. "No" we said to her. "They are all broken. In the bin. No more dummies." We watched her face drop when she realised what she was saying and she started to cry "Dummy, broken."
Needless to say she cried alot when we put her to bed (with Teddy) and I went in every 5 minutes to comfort her. Then the last time I went in and was holding her, rocking her to sleep, I was thinking, am I going to have to replace dum dum with rocking? Will I have to rock her during the night? Oh, dear. I hope it is all over in 3 days like the books say!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Marriage blog
Please note my marriage blog 'Refilling the tank' below - it is my most recent blog but because I have been working on it for a while it got placed before my last blog entry. Not sure how to change that!
Refilling the tank
Six years ago on the 23rd of March, I walked down the aisle and stood before my husband wearing a white gown and full-length veil. We both made promises to each other that I thought would be easy to keep given we both loved each other, even liked each other! Even though we haven't had any major conflicts since that day I think we both realise that marriage is hard work, something that needs care and attention. It isn't always easy to keep our vows of loving each other 'with all of our heart'. Marriage is like a car - it needs regular servicing. If it doesn't get the regular service, it breaks down.
Our marriage got a type of 'service' recently when we attend a marriage day at Dave's college. It was run by Keith and Sarah Condie who, if you know them, are marriage gurus. Not that their marriage is perfect, and they openly admit that they continue to struggle in certain areas in their marriage. But they have alot of wisdom to glean and below I will endeavour to summarise what they covered on the day:
1. Five foundations for a solid marriage
a) Commitment
b) Character
"....you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:9-10.
As Christians we need to put on qualities such as humility, patience and self-control. As both husband and wife grow in their Christian life and in their character, their marriage is strengthened.
c) Connection
Emotional and physical connection is very important. The number one indicator of marriage breakdown is emotional disconnectedness.
d) Community
There are two problems - each person has heightened expectations of how the other person will meet their needs. Also, there is a breakdown in society of wider social support which puts more pressure on the marriage relationship where couples are left to be the sole support of one another. It is important to realise that marriage cannot meet all of your needs. You still need strong relationships with other couples and with personal friends (guy to guy, girl to girl).
e) Kingdom and lasting legacy
"The LORD God took the man and put ihim in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it". Genesis 2:15
Why did Adam need a helper in Genesis 2:18? To fulfil God's task in the world.
If your primary goal is to have a good marriage then it won't work. Selfish marriages (thinking it's all about 'us') don't work. A strong marriage allows you to further God's work in the world. Marriage is meant to have an outward focus.
2. What makes marriages work?
NOT avoiding or even resolving conflict, but
1. Deep friendship - Liking and enjoying each other. Respecting the other person and knowing their likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams. Accepting the other person for who they are.
2. Conflict handled in a gentle and careful ways. Arguments are ok as long as they are navigated well.
3. Warning signs that a relationship is in trouble
a) Harsh start-up to a conversation
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".
Starting a conversation with an accusation or sarcastic statement (even if said quietly) almost always ends a conversation badly. For example "You always......." or "You never........" or "So you decided to come home, did you?"
This tends to be more a problem in the female population.
b) The four marriage killers
Our marriage got a type of 'service' recently when we attend a marriage day at Dave's college. It was run by Keith and Sarah Condie who, if you know them, are marriage gurus. Not that their marriage is perfect, and they openly admit that they continue to struggle in certain areas in their marriage. But they have alot of wisdom to glean and below I will endeavour to summarise what they covered on the day:
1. Five foundations for a solid marriage
a) Commitment
b) Character
"....you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:9-10.
As Christians we need to put on qualities such as humility, patience and self-control. As both husband and wife grow in their Christian life and in their character, their marriage is strengthened.
c) Connection
Emotional and physical connection is very important. The number one indicator of marriage breakdown is emotional disconnectedness.
d) Community
There are two problems - each person has heightened expectations of how the other person will meet their needs. Also, there is a breakdown in society of wider social support which puts more pressure on the marriage relationship where couples are left to be the sole support of one another. It is important to realise that marriage cannot meet all of your needs. You still need strong relationships with other couples and with personal friends (guy to guy, girl to girl).
e) Kingdom and lasting legacy
"The LORD God took the man and put ihim in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it". Genesis 2:15
Why did Adam need a helper in Genesis 2:18? To fulfil God's task in the world.
If your primary goal is to have a good marriage then it won't work. Selfish marriages (thinking it's all about 'us') don't work. A strong marriage allows you to further God's work in the world. Marriage is meant to have an outward focus.
2. What makes marriages work?
NOT avoiding or even resolving conflict, but
1. Deep friendship - Liking and enjoying each other. Respecting the other person and knowing their likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams. Accepting the other person for who they are.
2. Conflict handled in a gentle and careful ways. Arguments are ok as long as they are navigated well.
3. Warning signs that a relationship is in trouble
a) Harsh start-up to a conversation
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".
Starting a conversation with an accusation or sarcastic statement (even if said quietly) almost always ends a conversation badly. For example "You always......." or "You never........" or "So you decided to come home, did you?"
This tends to be more a problem in the female population.
b) The four marriage killers
- Criticism - making a negative statement about the other person
- Contempt - sarcasm, sneering, mockery are all poisonous to a marriage and make it very difficult to resolve a conflict.
- Defensiveness - "It's not my fault"
- Stonewalling - Ignoring the other person, lack of eye contact. Need to stop and listen, not ignore. This is more of a guy problem.
c) Emotional disconnection
"Behind all the fighting, yelling, crying, and withdrawing, counsellors nearly always find two struggling human beings with broken hearts longing to be understood, accepted and loved just for who they are." Arch Hart and Sharon Hart Morris
Barriers to emotional connection:
- busyness - key tension points in marriage is the birth of first baby
- past hurts
- disappointed....again
- unresolved hurts
- not being there when needed the most
4. Nurturing and strenghening your relationship
Three building blocks to haveing an emotionally connnected marriage
1. Trust
There are two level of trust. The first is basic reliability and trustworthiness. Trust is earned and truth is very important. Trust develops over time. The second is heart trust which is a deep trust in the other person. Women have a harder time than men trusting once trust has been destroyed.
2. Emotional availability
If the other person is emotionally available then there is an increase in satisfaction in the marriage.
3. Sensitive responsiveness
It is important to receive your spouse's thoughts and then show that you are listening and that you understand.
The marriage killers undermine all these three building blocks.
HOW TO MAKE THESE THINGS HAPPEN
a) Be friends
Principal 1: share your lives. Know each others worlds and know what each other is thinking and feeling.
Principal 2: nurture fondness and admiration. Remind each other of your positive qualities. Think about what makes you cherish the other person. This will focus you on why you love each other.
Principal 3: turn towards each other. Stop what you are doing and listen. Pray for each other about specific things during the day and then ask the person how it went.
Principle 4: kindness: understand the things that make a difference for your spouse. Husbands are not mind readers!
Principle 5: express and accept appreciation. Say thank you.
b) Soften your start-up
Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones".
- complain, but don't blame. It is not healthy to bottle up complaints
- make statements that start with "I" instead of "you". Eg. "I feel like I haven't seen you much lately and I miss spending time with you" rather than "You are never around anymore"
- describe what is happening, don't evaluate or judge
- be clear and direct
- be polite
- don't store things up
c) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Repair attempts are things like:
- being able to pull out of conversation if it ets too heated - "wait, I need to calm down"
- being able to say that you were in the wrong
- using humour to make things less serious (need to be careful with this)
- being able to soothe the other if someone feels hurt
- forgiveness and repentance are important
d) Find the values and dreams that lie behind the conflict
Some conflict is perpetual. The key is to find ways to live with it and cope. The issue isn't usually the issue - it's what is going on beneath the issue. The unfulfilled dream is almost always at the bottom of every conflict.
For example, the husband goes away once a year on a business trip and for the weeks leading up with it his wife is cold towards him and doesn't give him a warm farewell. Beneath her behaviour is her fear of him not being there - she has to be in charge of the children and the buck stops with her. She feels insecure when he is not there. After realising her underlying feelings, the husband shows understanding and makes sure he calls her frequently while away. The wife makes an effort to make it easy for him to go away and gives him a warm farewell.
e) Accept your partner's personality and faults
It is all too easy to say "if only he were..........". It is very hard for a partner to change when they do not feel secure. Some things need to change but overall we need to accept each other's faults. It is awful for a person to have the "I'm not measuring up" feeling.
Grow together - grow in godliness together.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Questionare
A friend has 'tagged' me to fill out this questionare about myself, so here we are:
1. Were you named after anyone? No
2. When was the last time you cried? 4 weeks ago (pretty good for me!)
3. Do you like your handwriting? Not really
4. What is your favourite lunch meat? BBQ chicken
5. Do you have kids? Yes - a 19 month old daughter
6. If you were another person would you be friends with you? Maybe
7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Only with good friends or family
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
9. Would you bungee jump? No
10. What is your favourite cereal? Not sure - we only eat Weetbix but I'm sure I would like some of the others better (too expensive though)
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No
12. Do you think you are strong? Sometimes - must be if I moved to Sydney :) Physically, I can carry a 13kg toddler in one arm and an 8kg pram in the other to the car (not sure how strong that is!)
13. What is your favourite icecream? Shem's Turkish Delight icecream
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their face
15. Red or pink? Depends....I like both
16. What is the thing that you like least about yourself? Too many things to narrow it down to one!
17. Who do you miss the most? Too many people to narrow it down!
19. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing? Camel cords, no shoes
20. Have you ever re-gifted? No
21. What are you listening to right now? The Wiggles!
22. If you were a crayon what colour would you be? Brown
23. Favourite smells? Bakery, rainforest, popcorn
24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My friend Jen
25. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes
26. Favourite sports to watch? None
27. Hair colour? Dark blonde
28. Eye colour? Green with blue specks
29. Do you wear contacts? No
30. Favourite food? Roast lamb
31. Scary movies or happy endings? Both!Probably prefer scary (with a good outcome!)
32. Last movie you watched? Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (fell asleep before the end though!)
33. What colour shirt are you wearing? Orange
34. Summer or winter? Winter
35.Hugs or kisses? Hugs
36. Favourite dessert? Baked cheesecake
39. What book are you reading now? Disciplines of a Godly Woman
40. What is on your mousepad? Don't use one
41. What did you watch on tv last night? A little bit of animal rescue
42. Favourite sound? David's voice and Elizabeth saying 'meow'!!
43. Rolling stones or Beatles? Beatles
44. What is the furthest you have been from home? Fiji
45. Do you have a special talent? Not that I'm aware of
46. Where born? Bundaberg, Qld
1. Were you named after anyone? No
2. When was the last time you cried? 4 weeks ago (pretty good for me!)
3. Do you like your handwriting? Not really
4. What is your favourite lunch meat? BBQ chicken
5. Do you have kids? Yes - a 19 month old daughter
6. If you were another person would you be friends with you? Maybe
7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Only with good friends or family
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
9. Would you bungee jump? No
10. What is your favourite cereal? Not sure - we only eat Weetbix but I'm sure I would like some of the others better (too expensive though)
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No
12. Do you think you are strong? Sometimes - must be if I moved to Sydney :) Physically, I can carry a 13kg toddler in one arm and an 8kg pram in the other to the car (not sure how strong that is!)
13. What is your favourite icecream? Shem's Turkish Delight icecream
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their face
15. Red or pink? Depends....I like both
16. What is the thing that you like least about yourself? Too many things to narrow it down to one!
17. Who do you miss the most? Too many people to narrow it down!
19. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing? Camel cords, no shoes
20. Have you ever re-gifted? No
21. What are you listening to right now? The Wiggles!
22. If you were a crayon what colour would you be? Brown
23. Favourite smells? Bakery, rainforest, popcorn
24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My friend Jen
25. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes
26. Favourite sports to watch? None
27. Hair colour? Dark blonde
28. Eye colour? Green with blue specks
29. Do you wear contacts? No
30. Favourite food? Roast lamb
31. Scary movies or happy endings? Both!Probably prefer scary (with a good outcome!)
32. Last movie you watched? Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (fell asleep before the end though!)
33. What colour shirt are you wearing? Orange
34. Summer or winter? Winter
35.Hugs or kisses? Hugs
36. Favourite dessert? Baked cheesecake
39. What book are you reading now? Disciplines of a Godly Woman
40. What is on your mousepad? Don't use one
41. What did you watch on tv last night? A little bit of animal rescue
42. Favourite sound? David's voice and Elizabeth saying 'meow'!!
43. Rolling stones or Beatles? Beatles
44. What is the furthest you have been from home? Fiji
45. Do you have a special talent? Not that I'm aware of
46. Where born? Bundaberg, Qld
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
